Absent
by The StripedHatter
Summary: Raven has ever changing views on loneliness and how to deal with it, and Beast Boy always seems to be there. BBRae friendship or romance, depending on your preference. One-shot, no additions. Serious fic... happy ending as always.


**This may be a bit OOC, but it's vent-fiction so bear with me. I hope it's satisfactory.**

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Her hair swiped at her neck and ever so lightly brushed at her shoulders, as she was standing tiredly on the roof. She faced away from the city, eyes trained on the farthest point of the horizon where the sun met the water. Her cloak billowed freely around her, and although it was cold she didn't bother to pull it close. The chills helped her, in a crude way, to forget all that was around her. That's what she had decided she needed. She needed solitude and focus, concentration and loneliness.

It was that loneliness that brought her out here each night, though. She thought about that every time as well. Habits are habits, however, and she can't bring herself to part from isolation. No matter how _longing _she is for some company, she has no will to partake.

Her legs grew weary, too weary to stand. She simply fell to the concrete, ignoring the scratches and scrapes the action gained to her knees and palms. It grew harder each day. To know that she really _shouldn't_ condemn herself to confinement had no sway in her resolve to do just that. It was unhealthy, and it went against everything she had yearned for before coming here. But, she realized that all she was, everything that made up her being now, was fear. She was afraid that she would become uncontrollable and an overall threat to humanity.

She lifted her head to look out to the sunset once more. She had to be alone, for the safety of everybody that she loved and cared for, for the safety of everyone.

She didn't hear the roof door open or close, nor did she hear the soft footsteps approaching her. She didn't hear when he sat down next to her, didn't hear when he whispered a greeting.

All she knew, was that she had felt him lift up her hands and hold them. All she felt was a warm sensation when he gingerly grasped her fingers and palms, ignoring the cuts and light bleeding. All she could hear was his heart when he pulled her close to his chest.

Maybe she had resolved to be alone forever, but she couldn't deny that she still longed for it to be otherwise. Tonight, she was too exhausted to complain, and his pulse quickly lulled her into a zone. Tomorrow, she would act like it never happened. She would act like there was no way she would ever let her vulnerability be bare to anyone, much less a boy. But for now, she just enjoyed being in the calming presence of company.

.:..:..:.

It was the next morning when Raven realized she had been moved by somebody. She was no longer on the roof, and she was positive that she had never gotten up to return to her room, tucked comfortably under the covers. Sunlight tried to stream through a crack in the curtains, but whoever had put her here had been kind enough to close them for her.

She remembered then, Beast Boy. He was there, he saw her at her weakest point. That wasn't good. She could not, would not, be seen as weak in the eyes of that… that cretin. Raven closed her eyes, though. She has no right to call him as such. She knew, they all knew, that he was indeed incredibly intelligent behind those moronic grins.

She slowly stood out of bed, stopping short when she felt something unfamiliar on the sensitive skin behind her knees. Looking down, she saw bandages. Somebody, presumably Beast Boy, had wrapped her torn knees with gauze and bandages. She noticed the same went for her palms. The nerve he had to be so sweet. She grumbled lightly under her breath as she tore the bandages off and healed herself.

After that, she discarded her clothes for a fresh leotard and cloak set, then headed to the showers.

When she arrived in the main ops room for breakfast, everybody was indulging in lunch. Robin was eating a light sandwich and flipping through the TV channels, with Cyborg next to him maintaining a large plate of various meaty sandwiches. Starfire was slathering some sort of sandwich concoction with mustard while holding a gleeful conversation with Beast Boy.

For the most part, she was ignored. There was a light greeting from a distracted Robin, who thankfully didn't question her morning. She took out a kettle and a tea bag, preparing herself brunch: tea. To do so, she had to pass the two at the counter. The short, stringy boy had leaned in {up} to whisper something to Starfire, and Raven felt a random surge of something vile within her.

Scared of that feeling, and hating that she was, she rushed through the rest of her tea preparations and then hurriedly teleported to the roof. Tea, of course, in hand. She once again faced the water, meditating the fear out of her for the day in solitude.

.:..:..:.

The team had been together for four years, starting tomorrow. While the four happier members of the team were enjoying an intense game of Twister, Raven sat off to the side with a book in hand. That is, until she heard a collective shout. She looked up to see that Cyborg had fallen and took out Beast Boy and Robin while he was at it.

Starfire, who had the job of spinning, broke out into gleeful laughter. "I wish to join in the game of twisters, friends. Raven! Would you be so kind as to take over the spinning of the needle?"

Just when she thought she had successfully blended into the background. If she said no, however, the faces of all her teammates would drop in unsurprised disappointment. A growl emitted from her throat as she stood up and moved over, snatching the flimsy spinner from the alien princess.

"Glorious! Alright, Friend Raven. We are the ready," Starfire beamed.

Raven lamely flicked the needle with her middle finger. "Left hand on yellow," she called dully.

A mere five minutes later was it that Cyborg and Robin had tumbled, thankfully not hurting anybody. They stood off to the side and watched as the other two twisted around each other as they moved their limbs to Raven's command. She grimaced, "Right foot on red."

They both curved around at peculiar, almost unnatural angles, as they found empty spots to place their foot. There was no doubt that these two were incredibly flexible. Robin was as well, but he was currently out of the game and of no concern to Raven. "Right foot on blue," she announced.

Star found herself having troubles in moving her foot over. She fell to the floor with a soft thud, leaving Beast Boy as champion. He hopped up with a holler and reached down a hand to help Starfire up. He leaned in to whisper something to her, and she giggled joyously.

Raven whipped her head around to face Robin, who didn't seem to have a problem with it at all. What was going on? When she turned to look back at the two on the mat, she was met with a face full of green. Beast Boy, now the same height as her, had come over in hopes of a high five he knew he wouldn't get. His newly larger hand was held up in the air, his newly matured face sporting a wild grin.

She missed the days, that happened to end only a few short months ago, where she could stand over him and chastise him so easily for being childish. His habits hadn't changed much, but his physique suggested otherwise.

Flicking her cloak out, she turned with a flourish and left the room. She couldn't allow herself to channel negative thoughts towards him and Star. It wasn't fair to them. Raven disappeared to the roof, where she floated in meditation. Solitude and fortitude through promptitude of desuetude social skills is what she found herself to be practicing most often anymore.

It was tiring, and no matter how often she was told she didn't have to be alone she couldn't help but to put herself in that position. It was all too easy for her. All too easy to let go of her surroundings.

And it wasn't until his warm hands were drawing her close to him that she noticed she had tumbled to the rooftop with tearless, silent sobs that only those who looked close could notice. He always looked close, she thought morosely to herself.

This one time, and this one time alone, she decided that maybe it wouldn't be too bad to show just the smallest bit of weakness. He seemed to see it every other time anyways. So she curled into his side, staring with empty eyes out towards the water.

The next morning, she woke up in her bed, curtains closed shut, and clock reading eleven thirty.

.:..:..:.

The next year, a lot had changed. Beast Boy was a whole three inches taller than Raven and had changed his name to Changeling. Robin also changed his name, to Nightwing, and was a whopping _two_ inches taller than Changeling. Starfire didn't grow too much, but ended up at sturdy six four, half a foot taller than her boyfriend. Cyborg was definitely still the largest, at six foot six.

Everybody had made a change in their costumes, and Raven even grew her hair out. Soon they would have to drop the 'Teen' prefix, Raven supposed.

It was a quiet day, and Raven was spending her time just gazing serenely out the window. The three boys were playing video games in the background, and Star was off doing something with her pet. That morning they had filled out some forms for the city, and it stung Raven to have to leave the surname box blank. True, she normally welcomed the lone name. All the same, it was the coldest of reminders that she had no one.

No family, no place to belong. Sure, the Titans were family enough and welcomed her warmly… but she didn't share a name with any of them.

Princess Koriand'r had her companions on Tameran. Nightwing had his mentor and 'adoptive father' Batman. Changeling had Rita and Steve. Even though Cyborg didn't really have any living relatives, he seemed to be getting rather comfy with certain members of Titans East as well a certain civilian population.

Raven had no living family, she was raised by monks who are no longer around. She knows, so well, that everybody save Star and herself had surnames. Even then, Starfire shared the 'and'r' section of the name with her sister.

She supposed, off-handedly, that she could take to the name 'Roth'. It didn't seem right, though. Her mother wasn't there for her when she most needed it, and to begin with she'd never wanted to have a child with Trigon. Raven was a product of unwillingness, of forced child-bearing. It didn't feel like she should take on the assumption of her mother's name.

She looked to her right as Changeling took a seat beside her. He simply looked at her, a soft sort of smile on his face. He reaches his hand out, palm up. Absurd, how he thinks she can just so easily take his hand in front of everybody. But Raven looks around, and she finds that she really doesn't care as much as she likes to think she does.

Reaching out, she threads her fingers through his. He looks her in the eyes, and she means to look away. Really, she does. She finds, though, that she can't bring herself to tear her eyes away. Her eyes are shining, and they give away everything. She knows it, because he gives her hand a squeeze. He gives her a look, one that says she'll never be alone so long as he has something to say about.

She realizes that no matter how hard she tries to isolate herself, that he'll always be right.

.:..:..:.

A year later and all of them had managed to travel on some sort of life changing journey. They finally shortened their name to just 'The Titans'. Raven found herself in the training room, throwing violent attacks at the equipment. She needed to clear her mind, and she decided that letting it all out worked better than keeping it in.

Changeling had reverted back to Beast Boy, and she kind of liked it better. It captured his personality more. What she didn't like, though, was him requesting to be moved from the habitat level they shared to a different room three stories away.

Was there something seriously wrong with her that always pushed people away? What did she do to deserve this? Why had she been forced into always scaring everybody off without wanting to? How come life hated her so much? All she wanted was to have the _ability_ to be around others. But lately, knowing that it could never happen for her, she could only think that she wanted to be alone.

She thrust her fist forward, then the other, faster and faster each time. She wanted to ignore the slow tears tracking down her face, she wanted to ignore the hurt in always unintentionally getting people to _leave her_.

When her knuckles were shorn and bloody and numb, she slid down to her knees. She stared unseeing at her hands, until strong arms wrapped around her and pulled her into a warm embrace. He was silent, as always. But this wasn't the same as always.

She pushed roughly out of his hold, shoving him backwards. Raven stood up and whipped around to face him. "Why?" He opened his mouth, but it shut shortly after. She looked down at him, trying so hard to keep the silent tears from falling. "Why am I always pushing people away? What's wrong with me, Gar?"

He stood up slowly, as if he didn't want to scare her off. His eyes were almost apologetic. She realized with a sort of anger that he thought it was all his fault. He was so self-centered. Sure, he triggered this whole breakdown with moving away from her… but he wasn't the lone cause.

She approached him, punching him as hard as she could in the stomach, causing him to grimace. He didn't move though, he just took it. And another… and another. When she moved to take another swing, she noticed red fists emblazoned on his top. Her eyes widened, she was supposed to be a pacifist. But here she was, getting her bloody fists all over his clothing.

She shifted her gaze up into his eyes. He didn't care, and that was clear. He would allow her to ruin all of his tops if he had to, and that set something off inside of her once more.

"Stop," Raven commanded shakily, "being so annoying. How can you be so… caring and _nice_ to me at times like these, and then slap me in the face by moving habitats?" She shoved an index finger into his chest roughly.

He merely shrugged, looking around at the damage to the training room that she had caused.

"Talk to me, Garfield," she demanded.

His eyes traveled slowly back to hers, glittering with a light amusement that sparked an intense, livid growl from her being.

"You never talk to me when you come find me, and I appreciate it. But this time, I can't take it." She shoved a hand through her hair. "I'm a demon, and whether I want to or not, it's in my nature to keep to myself. I don't need to be reminded of that side."

He grasped her left hand, her index finger still firmly placed on his chest, and moved it gently to their sides. His other hand slid up her cheek to thread through her hair. Eyes still bright with mirth, he shook his head. As in no, he wouldn't be talking.

That's the point where Raven heaved a sigh, collapsing onto his chest. "I loathe you."

He simply held on tighter, closing his eyes and smiling softly.

.:..:..:.

The next day she woke up in her room… but it was different. The space was even larger than usual, and the furniture was more spread out. The comforters were warm, as usual, and the curtains were closed. She got up and shoved them open, looking out the window. What she saw stole her breath.

She was now on the top floor, three stories from where she usually was, and could clearly see how the sunrise blanketed the sky and lit up the water with pastel colours that, unreasonably, seemed sharp against the rest of the scenery. The city off to the side was a black silhouette, and the gulls in the sky only added to the serenity of the scene.

Raven looked down at her hands sharply, to find them neatly bandaged. She tore them off and got ready for the morning as quickly as possible.

She nearly ran to the main ops. room at the, for once, reasonable hour of six o'clock. Nightwing and Star sat with a newspaper, Starfire rather more tiredly. Cyborg flipped an omelet over and Beast Boy… Beast Boy was sitting at the couch doing absolutely nothing. Staring out the window with a warm expression.

She marched over to him, until she was standing over his slouched figure. He looked up with a lopsided grin. Raven shook her head with an eye roll before dropping down to his level and giving him a tight hug. "Thank you," she whispered.

Maybe she would always be alone in conscience, but at least she knew that so long as Beast Boy was around, she would never be alone in heart. He would always be there to look out for her, always be there to remind her that there was always _somebody_ out there willing to let her know that she did have a real family; somebody who cared.


End file.
